I've told you about my two miscarriages. About how the second one was harder than the first. What I didn't tell you was how losing those babies didn't make me question God or my fertility, only my choices. I was scared that these miscarriages were the Universes way of telling me that I made the wrong decision. That I was meant to go to the Peace Corps. Reflecting back, I'm sure that logical thinking was just how I chose to cope but at the time I was sure I was being redirected.
I got married to me a Mom not a Wife. That was my truth. It was the sort of truth that wasn't supposed to be verbalized. You keep things like that to yourself. Nonetheless, the truth was that if I couldn't be a Mom I wouldn't be a Wife. At least not at 22 years old.
I believe in signs and destinies and all that other mumble jumble. I couldn't think of a bigger bolder sign than that. I had wanted so badly to choose wisely. To take the right path and find everlasting happiness. (Too much? Sometimes I get a bit dramatic.) The decision to get married was not one that I came to lightly. I fought with myself over this decision. The thought that I chose wrong broke me.
We waited 2 months to try again. Those were the longest two months of my life. I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger. Sadness seemed to be the most prominent emotion. I was sad for myself sure, but mostly I was sad for my Husband. For this kind man who was loving me unconditionally and I couldn't or maybe just wouldn't love the same.
I could be a Mom and a Wife but I couldn't be just one. I know how selfish and immature that sounds. I know that I had made a commitment to love him forever no matter what. I know that if I wasn't prepared to do that then I shouldn't have gotten married. I know and I knew all of that. But that didn't change that facts. That didn't change how I felt and the decisions that I was prepared to make. I had you two weeks before my 24th birthday, so obviously I got pregnant right away and never had to make a decision.
You were worth waiting for. Even though in actuality I didn't have to wait that long. Because of you I know I made the right decision. I no longer have any doubts and couldn't be happier with my choice.
I don't really know how to end this story. When I first started writing this I had an ending in mind. I wanted to tell you about during that time when I was feeling low how I would go outside and float in the pool for hours and I would realize that I had graduated college, was with an amazing man, it was 2 p.m and I was floating in a pool, and that I was a truly lucky woman. Every time I got in that pool I was reminded how blessed I was. I wanted to tell you that story and I wanted to encourage you to find your happy place. To find somewhere or something that brings you back to reality. That reminds you of all the good in your life so you can stop harping on the negative. That was my intention of the story.
However, for some reason I felt compelled to tell you this long drawn out version instead. The version where I show how immature and indecisive I was. As I was writing I wanted to stop the direction of this story and change my character, so to speak. Change her into someone more likable and less conflicted. To tell you a short story of a girl took a big risk and sometimes just needed to be reminded of her blessings. But this appeared instead.
Maybe one day you'll need to hear this story. Maybe you'll need to know that it's okay for life to be easy sometimes or to question you decisions. Maybe you'll need a reason to believe in fate or "letting the Universe decide." Maybe you'll read this and decide that I should've chosen the Peace Corps and it'll make a decision of your own a little easier. I don't know why I needed to write this, but hopefully you do.
