I was all set to graduate early in December but I ended up getting a D in my Commercial Banking class, which meant that I wouldn't graduate until the next semester. Womp Womp. Can we take a moment and talk about why I failed? I failed the class way before I took the final. I only had to get a D on the final to pass the class. A freakin' D! What kind of idiot can't pull of a D on a final? Well, I'll tell you. The kind of idiot that quits when things get a little too hard or a little too real.
I was graduating college. That was it. The moment I walked across that stage I was on my own. A real life adult. So, I psyched myself out. I told myself that this test was too hard and I couldn't pass it. I told myself that I wasn't smart enough and that I should just give up. And that's what I did. Instead of studying... I cried. Stop judging. I cried a lot. I told anyone who would listen that I was crying because I knew I wouldn't pass and I wouldn't graduate. But really, I was crying because I was letting the future me down and proving the current me right. I was doing what I always did when failure was a possibility. I quit before I could fail.
Of course at the time I didn't know what I was doing. It wasn't until I told my Mom that I failed and she wasn't mad or surprised or even sad for me. She was just, I don't know, normal? She said that I was probably scared to graduate. What? No. "You're suppose to me mad at me. You're suppose to tell me that I should've studied harder, paid better attention in class," was all I could think. You fail because you're lazy or stupid not because you're scared. Right? The first final that I ever failed was the last final that I was ever suppose to take, and that didn't shock her?
Apparently, everyone was sipping on the same Kool-aid, because the responses were all the same. "You were scared, nervous, psyched yourself out." I'd never wanted to be called a big ole dummy so bad in my life. It was then when I realized how easily I did quit. How little faith I had in my own abilities. I made a promise to myself to simply believe in myself. To take chances, to try my very best, to see things through to the end, and to never give up no matter how badly I wanted to. I guess you can see how that leads us back to my Peace Corps decision.
I spent my last year of College working towards joining the Peace Corps after graduation. Unlike graduating college, there was no fear in this next chapter of my life. I was excited and anxious. I wanted this opportunity so bad that failing wasn't even an option. That is, until I met your Pops. He was a game changer. I had two options, either get married and start a family or go to the Peace Corps. These two paths couldn't have been more different from each other. With one I would be on my own, I would spend the next 2 years discovering myself and figuring out where I wanted my life to go. With the other I would be forever attached to someone else, I would be responsible for other lives, and I would be figuring out who I was as a wife and mom.
I was determined not to let myself down. I wanted to make the right decision. The one that proved that I wasn't a quitter. The Peace Corps. The one that proved that I could take chances. Marriage. The one that proved that I wouldn't take the easy way out. Peace Corps... Marriage... Peace Corps... Errr... Crap.
As you know, I let 'fate' decide for me. I use to think that meant that I just didn't decide. But the truth is, the second that I saw that my Peace Corps application was on hold and I didn't do anything about it, I decided. I chose your Pops and I chose you. I just never knew if that was the day that I quit studying for my final or the day I switched Majors?
I never wanted to work in an office. I didn't want to have to pick a career right out of college, work 9-5, pay bills, and possibly be miserable. So, I chose the Peace Corps. I would get to spend 2 years doing my two favorite things, helping people and traveling. Then when I finished I was guaranteed a government job. Easy Peasy, just the way I like it.
I never wanted to have to search for a Husband, go on millions of dates, and meet duds. I didn't want to work a government job if I could be a stay at home mom instead. I wanted to be a young mom and I didn't want to miss my chance. So, I chose your Pops. He was so kind and perfect and felt it was important for kids to have their Mom at home. Easy Peasy, just the way I like it.
Everyday from when we got engaged in April to when we were married in July, I questioned myself. I worried that I was making this decision out of fear. Fear that I would never find some one as good as your Pops. Fear that I wouldn't have been successful in the Peace Corps. Fear that I wouldn't be a Mom until much later in life. Fear that I only knew how to take the easy way out.
I was scared but I kept moving forward. My body wouldn't stop moving towards being that Mans wife. It had been so easy to give up my dreams of an early graduation, the Peace Corps, and an embarrassing amount of other things. But this. Him. No matter what happened. No matter the presence of fear, doubt, or worry, I kept moving forward.
After we were married the thought of the Peace Corps vanished. I still wanted to travel and volunteer but I no longer felt that I needed that outlet. Life was easy and for the first time in my life I didn't feel guilty about it. I didn't feel as if I had failed myself somehow or that I had made the wrong decision. That is, until October when I had my first miscarriage. But this is getting long and I gots thangs to do. So lets just make this puppy a 3 parter.
