What Were We Thinking?

The other day I was reminded of something silly I did in High School and the first thought that came to mind was, "I have no clue what I was thinking." I thought about it for a while. Really... what was I thinking? Now that it's years later, I can come up with reasons. I was trying to rebel, insecurities, screwed up priorities. I know all the reasons behind the reason, the real reasons so to speak. But for the life of me I can't remember what the heck I was thinking. 
That's the moment I realized I was a parent. I thought like a parent. I was the type of person who looks at teen girls and says "What in the world is she thinking?" It's such a Catch 22 that it almost makes me want to read that book just to try to figure out a solution... almost. 
Growing up and changing the way I think and act and respond to certain situations is great because that means that I'm maturing and will ultimately be able to give you sound advice. The kind of advice that will make me cheese while I'm repeating it over in my head and silently giving myself props. The kind of advice that will make you hate me and think that I'm old and don't get you or don't remember what it's like to be your age. And sadly, you might be right.
Today you were listening to ' Part of Their World' from Arial. There's a line where she names all the stuff she has and then says, "but who cares, no big deal, I want more." Spoiled brat say whattttttt? I cringed, I had never really listened to it before, or rather I had never listened to it with my mom ears. I can honestly say I don't care for that little ginger fish. For a moment I thought maybe I shouldn't let you watch that movie. Yup, I almost banned a Disney movie from our home. Noelle, I'm losing it. 
I say all of this just say that I use to be a kid. I use to stay out all night and sneak out of the house. I threw parties when my parents were out of town and smoked cigarettes in my car. I use to kiss boys I just met and gossip about girls I didn't like. I use to dress like a slut on purpose and cuss like a fucking sailor. I drank before I was 21 and was absent over 30 days my senior year of high school. I cheated on tests and lied to my parents. I got 3 piercings and 2 tattoos with out my parents permission and have nights I can't remember. I fought with my sisters and hated my parents. I've shoplifted and had run ins with the cops. I've smoked weed and was an all around hot mess. 

I was young once. Then I grew up.

 I look back on my youth and so much of it embarrasses and disgusts me. I look back on those times and I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had the self esteem and wisdom to make better decisions. I wish I was more mature and motivated.
I know I had to make mistakes (albeit I didn't have to make so many) and learn from my short comings as I know you will. Even so, from time to time I'll still have to ask that age old question; "What the heck were you thinking?" It won't be because I'm judging you. It'll be because I thought I raised you to be the type of person who thought differently, who wouldn't do those same things I did. 
So sometimes I'll want to know what you were thinking. Why you chose the way you did. And you'll want to say "Whatever" and "Screw you Mom." But maybe just maybe you'll do us both us a favor and just tell me because I really do want to know what you were thinking. I want to know how you think and if you think things through. I want to know what I was thinking and how I can help you. It's a little sad that at 24 I already know I'm not going to be the cool mom but I think I can deal with that, as long as you'll always let me be your mom.