When Noelle came I decided she was my sign. I loved her and she so perfect and in those first few moments of her life I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. The more time we spent together the more I felt like being her Mom was all I ever wanted to be. However, as more time passed and days blended together, the bad days started to creep in, in the midst of all that goodness.
I began to question whether or not I was happy. I began to doubt my choices once again. And on really bad days when I wasn't sure if I loved my husband or was raising my daughter right, I thought back to the days when I was searching for signs that never came.
When I discovered I was pregnant with you, Pops and I both hoped you were a boy. When I found out that you were in fact male I couldn't stop smiling. I knew you already and it immediately took me back to that one day in my childhood home in Virginia when I first thought of you.
It happened on a day after I caught tidbits of the movie Serendipity. I remember a scene in a department store involving a glove or a scarf? I don't know. It was a while ago and my memory is a little shot. Anyways, even though I wasn't that into the movie, I was all about that word. Serendipity. Finding something useful or good while not specifically searching for it. A happy accident. and well isn't that what life is all about?
I loved that word so much that I wanted to name my child after it. Seren. Only I would spell it Saryn, because I was young and hip and that's just the way those things go. I even thought about the names I would give her siblings, all ending in 'yn'. Because again, I was young and hip and that's the type of thing that seems important when naming your future children. I had a whole list of names. Kaidyn, Aidyn, Linkyn, and Kailyn just to name a few.
Years later I was in Thailand and I saw a bunch of kids hanging out by the river. Oh these kids made my heart ache they were so beautiful. Something about their carmel skin, deep soulful eyes, and smiles that seemed to radiate through their entire bodies. They were just perfection.
That night I had a dream that I was on the beach with my two little boys Aidyn and Linkyn. They looked so much like the boys I had seen by the river earlier. With long hair and all the same features. I assumed they were adopted and was convinced that one day I would adopt those two little boys I had dreamed about.
I didn't really think about kids much while I was in college but whenever I did the two names Saren and Linkyn were the only names that survived into my twenties. Only I decided that I would spell it Lincoln because I no longer felt the need to spell it like a moron.
During my last year of college I started dating and married a boy name Abraham. After we became pregnant with our first child we started to discuss baby names. When I mentioned the name Lincoln he smiled and said that we could tell people that we named the baby after him. Not gonna lie, it took me a minute. But when I got it, I got it hard. That had to be a sign. I mean, what are the chances that I would want to name my son Lincoln and have his father be Abraham? We unfortuantely lost that child and the one after that. And just like that my sign vanished.
Thankfully, a few years later it reappeared in a dark office lit only by a sonogram of my beautiful baby boy. My Lincoln. You came back to me and I was thrilled. And in that moment all was right. My hope was amplified and my fears and worries disappeared.
During my pregnancy I didn't think much about signs, I felt like I had my answer. Until one night I was watching the Bachelor and as they were strolling the streets of Thailand I caught a glimpse of a group of boys that looked so similar to the boys I had seen while I was in Chang Mai years earlier. I felt like that was another sign. A little reminder that I had chosen right years earlier. Hours after that my water broke and a few hours after that you arrived. When I looked at you I knew you. I knew I was right where I was meant to be. I didn't need anymore signs to convince me.
Even though I didn't need anymore signs they came whenever I would tell anyone your name. Whether it was a nurse who reminded me that you were born about a week after Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Or a friend who said it was fitting since it was the month that held Presidents Day. Or the news as they clamored on about all the awards the movie Lincoln just won. It was like sign overload.
Call it serendipity or call it fate. Whichever way you look at it, it completed me. I no longer need to look for signs to convince me that I'm where I'm suppose to be. I know it in heart, my head, and my soul. You were the missing link.
